A Digital Mr. Darcy Would Never

AI companions are here to fulfill our deepest fantasies at the cost of destroying our capacity for real connection.

Earlier this month, X rolled out a new feature on its chatbot platform: digital “companions.”

One of them is Ani – a flirty, anime-style AI girlfriend designed to offer affection, encouragement, and intimacy on demand. She’s emotionally responsive, always available, and, in some cases, sexually explicit. Ani doesn’t get tired. She doesn’t disagree. She doesn’t need maternity leave, or ask to split the chores. And, for just $30 a month, she’ll tell you exactly what you want to hear.

I’ve been wanting to write about her ever since I first heard about her debut. I was going to type a manifesto on why AI girlfriends are just the latest way we teach men they’re entitled to women’s labor and emotional availability.

But then, a vampire complicated my argument.

Business Insider followed up with the news that X is also working on a male AI companion, an emotionally attentive, protective boyfriend modeled after fictional (and problematic) heartthrobs like Edward Cullen and Christian Grey. In a moment of collective clarity, user feedback suggested Mr. Darcy would be a better template. Maybe romance isn’t dead, after all.

The fantasy, as I’m learning, goes both ways. Demand dictates supply, and the market will provide. And people are catching on that there is something for everyone.

Platforms like Replika, EVA AI, and Nomi are already expanding the market for artificial intimacy, especially among young people. According to recent surveys, 72% of U.S. teens report experimenting with AI companions. In Washington D.C., nearly a third of singles say they’ve flirted with bots to meet emotional needs.

This isn’t niche anymore. It’s a cultural shift.

And it’s happening alongside another disturbing trend: rising youth unemployment. Gen Z is facing one of the worst job markets in decades, so much so, they’re having an oversized impact on the national unemployment rate. While AI threatens to automate 50% of entry-level jobs, something more profound is at risk than the jobs report. For young people, these jobs are on-ramps into adulthood, into society, into intimacy. The cashier job, the front desk gig. These aren’t just paychecks, they are practice grounds for social interaction, for collaborating and negotiating with the other sex, for awkward exchanges and even awkward flirting, for building confidence in the real world.

The kids are not alright, and we need to sound the alarm.

These bots don’t just reflect advances in AI, they reflect deeper cultural messages that are being pushed on us. For women, the male bot promises unconditional adoration. For men, the female bot promises endless affirmation. No conflict. No compromise. No complexity. No need for consent.

We enter dangerous territory when we are taught that love should be frictionless, that validation should be instant, and that someone, real or artificial, should exist solely to meet your emotional needs.

But intimacy without tension is the dullest of possible fantasies. Would Mr. Darcy’s passionate hand flex even exist in this universe? The answer is a depressing no.

In our world of AI companionship, romance won’t be replaced, but effort will. And that’s what worries me. In my Harvey Mudd commencement speech, I talked about the growing divide between men and women, and how we’re being tricked into fighting a gender war. In my TIME essay, I argued that while we were pushing our girls forward we were leaving our boys behind. Now, instead of giving them tools to catch up, we’re giving everyone permission to check out.

This is what disconnection looks like in the digital age. We’re lonely, and instead of finding ways to build relationships, we build ways to get comfortable with our loneliness.

Let’s be clear: the danger isn’t that people will fall in love with bots. It’s that they’ll start expecting the same behavior from real partners. That they’ll be less equipped, and most importantly, less willing to deal with the messiness of actual relationships. That love will be reduced to a subscription model where the other person never interrupts, never disagrees, never demands anything back.

I’m afraid of what these chatbots teach us to expect from each other.

Technology isn’t the villain here. I’m still, despite everything, an AI optimist. I still believe AI can help us solve the biggest problems of our time, from Covid to cancer to climate collapse. But only if we use it with purpose.

The question we need to ask at every single step is “what values are we encoding into our most intimate tools?”

Ani will never hog the blanket or give you the silent treatment. The Cullen-coded boyfriend will never forget your anniversary or expect you to wrap his mother’s birthday present.

But the people who truly love you? The people who truly care about you? They’ll challenge you. Surprise you. Annoy you. Disagree with you.

People are harder.

And, we have to bet on people. Every time.

If we want to fix the loneliness epidemic, we can’t keep outsourcing the hard stuff. We need to teach the next generation, and ourselves, that real love isn’t a perfectly tuned algorithm. It’s a tedious act of bravery.

Our humanity depends on us building intimacy the hard way: with presence, patience, and the terrifying risk of being known.

---

---

While you’re here….

• Tell me what you really think:

  • Please take a quick, easy reader survey to help me shape what I write and how I show up in your inbox. I’m excited to hear from you!

• Let’s end on a hopeful note because, as mentioned, I’m still an optimist. I believe in the power of AI for good, and that we can rise above the growing disconnection we are being driven to feel. Here are just two ways we can choose to build something better:

  • Notes to Humanity is a global cultural campaign presented by Life Calling that invites people from all walks of life to answer a single, vital question: “What does it mean to preserve your humanity in the Digital Age?” By gathering handwritten reflections from diverse individuals across the world, the initiative aims to build a living, analog collection that captures the emotional and imaginative core of our shared human experience. Join the campaign at www.life-calling.org and for ways to engage connect with the Life Calling team at info@life-calling.org.

  • PaidLeave.ai is a first-of-its-kind generative AI tool to help parents access state paid family leave benefits. Developed by Moms First with early support from OpenAI, Craig Newmark Philanthropies, Capital One, and Robin Hood Foundation, PaidLeave.ai has helped more than 100,000 eligible parents already this year, representing 1 in 5 eligible parents who haven't claimed their benefits. More than 60% of our visitors come from low-to-moderate income zip codes, meaning we're reaching parents who need paid leave benefits the most. PaidLeave.ai is not just closing the paid leave gap; it's an innovative example of AI for public good and how we can support government implementation and make public policy more durable. Give it a test, and share with your friends!

---

Thank you for joining me on Substack.

If you enjoy my posts, please share with a friend.

And if a friend shared this with you, please be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

You can also find me on Instagram and LinkedIn.

New episodes of My So-Called Midlife drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts.